RQ#96 - Online

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News from the Grassroots

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Two RQ Gender Forums

Complete theme sections from RQ #96 and RQ#101

• from RQ#101 - "What if the Earth Is Not Our Mother," by Keith Hennessy, Kirk Read, Rachel Kaplan, Jack Davis, Ravyn Stanfield
  
  
• from RQ#96 - "Undoing Sexism: A Forum," By Lynx, Donald, Keith, Phillipe, Rosa, Seed, Jonathan, Scarlet Harlot, and Luna
  
  
• includes original layout of article on this page

Click here to download RQ Gender Forums

Undoing Sexism

Gender dynamics in Reclaiming and other progressive communities

In this theme section on Gender Issues and Sexism, RQ gathers a range of views on sexism and gender relations - not just in the broader society, but as they operate in progressive communities such as Reclaiming, where the nuances are often more subtle. To join this discussion, email your ideas to quarterly@reclaiming.org

by Lynx Adamah

There is a commonly held belief that sexism, as well as other "isms" like racism and homophobia, don't exist in progressive communities. Unfortunately, this simply isn't true.

While most of us are liberal, open-minded, and well-intentioned folks, the reality is that we all have some work to do freeing ourselves from old, deeply rooted beliefs and feelings towards other groups of people, be they people of color, women, queer and/or trans folks, Jews, etc. It would be nearly impossible for us as individuals raised in this very oppressive and dehumanizing culture to not have recorded at least some of these messages, somewhere within us.

While it's not our fault that we struggle with such messages, it is each individual's responsibility to take on the work of eliminating oppressive behavior and transforming the beliefs. To effectively move forward in our struggle as humans to end all oppressions, it is crucial that we be willing to name these oppressions and speak openly and honestly about them. It is from this place that I address sexism in our community.

What is sexism?

Sexism is any mistreatment of women, ranging from violence against women, to the treatment of women as inferior, to the objectification of women. Any time a women is treated in any way other than as a brilliant, powerful, respected human being, it is sexism.

When women do not stand up for themselves, tolerate abusive behavior from men, mistreat other women, or deny their own intelligence, internalized sexism is occurring. After being systematically bombarded with sexist misinformation, many women internalize these messages, start believing them, and act out of this hurt place. Though women in our community have done much empowerment and healing work here, we still have more to do, myself included. The more women free themselves from internalized sexism, the less power and impact men's sexism directed at us will have.

Thankfully, in our community, most forms of overt sexism are not present - violence against women, sexist language, sexual coercion, male domination. So many men in our community are incredibly loving, kind, open-hearted, generous, strong and gentle, compassionate, caring, expressive - beautiful models of what is possible. These men have clearly done some work around sexism, and have consciously chosen to be part of a community where women are valued, respected, and empowered leaders; worlds away from the current sexist model of our dominant culture. This is a huge step, and has been incredibly inspiring and hopeful to me. The deep, loving, and strictly platonic relationships I've developed with men in our community have been some of the sweetest relationships of my life. They have fed me deeply, been huge contradictions to sexism for me, and in many ways, have given me the strength and inspiration to continue on in the struggle for women's liberation. These nurturing relationships have left me hopeful that not only will sexism end in my lifetime, but that many men actually want it to end and are willing to be allies to women in ending it.

While many men in Reclaiming have come a long way, there is still work to do. Even within Reclaiming, sexism still exists. While we are rarely faced with men perpetrating overt forms of sexism - though this does occasionally happen -- sexism in its more subtle forms is actually a fairly common occurrence.

Subtle Sexism

Some of the subtle forms that sexism can take include:

• men yelling at women
• interrupting women
• not listening to women or taking women seriously
• making women repeat "no"
• men always speaking first and/or for the longest amount of time
• confusing closeness and sex
• men pursuing connection with only the young, attractive women in our community or placing a higher value on connections with them
• not fully supporting women on our path to empowerment because it feels threatening to men
• repeatedly hitting on women who are half the men's age
• always being the aggressor or initiator of sexual relationships

Even though these forms of sexism are not life-threatening, they are still damaging to women. They get in the way of women having big, full and empowered lives. They affect our self-respect and confidence, and lead us to make choices around relationships, our bodies, and sex that we may not otherwise have made. All forms of sexism are to be taken seriously and actively campaigned against. To ignore subtle sexism is to give up on women's liberation.

That some men in our community still act out these sexist patterns at women doesn't mean that our community is bad, nor does it mean that such men are bad or even to blame. As I stated previously, it would be unrealistic for us to expect that men, having grown up in such a pervasively sexist culture, would make it through unscathed and not carry with them a piece of the patriarchy, no matter how unknowingly or unwillingly. While this is not men's fault, especially the subtle stuff, it is key that men take responsibility for their sexist behavior and for releasing the patterns and unlearning sexism. I truly believe that no human being wants to behave oppressively towards another human, and this certainly includes men and sexism. But patterns won't just go away by themselves. They need to be actively worked on and transformed.

I am writing this article not only to shed light on sexism in our community, but largely to get the dialogue started around sexism. I want to hear people talking about this stuff, and not shying away from getting involved or making this struggle their own.

Settling for Less

There is a way in progressive communities that we "settle," both as women and as men. We're so grateful that we're not subjected to overt forms of sexism, and that men here are more loving and open-hearted than the general population. We've stopped going after more for ourselves and from our men. We don't really talk about sexism. We let a lot of "undesirable" behavior go.

We need to talk about sexism. If we as a community and as individuals desire to grow, heal, and become truly empowered, it is crucial that we be willing to address a real and disempowering inequity among us.

We're not doing our beloved brothers any favors by not challenging them on their sexism. By naming and calling them on it, we give them a chance to identify an oppressive pattern, to work on it, and truly transform it. By ignoring it, we leave them stuck with a harmful pattern that serves only to diminish their humanity and their chances for real human connection. No man truly wants to be oppressive. When women are complacent around sexism, settling and putting up with it, we end up only perpetuating our own oppression. The reality is that sexism affects all of us.

As a planet, a country, a culture and a community, no one is truly free while anyone else is oppressed. Ending sexism is everyone's business and will free us all.

Lynx Adamah is a fierce co-counseling crusader for women's liberation. She lives in West Oakland, CA with her AMazing wife AManda and their two adorable kittens. She loves to talk about co-counseling and eliminating sexism and can be reached at lynxylulu@hotmail.com

Men and Sexism

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